


here before

by corporalbrown



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Character Death, Hospitals, Lowercase, M/M, Poetic, Sad, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-13 22:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16900905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corporalbrown/pseuds/corporalbrown
Summary: "then i had a child,took his while like northern summer,and he knows it alllike he's been here before"•••just as worlds are torn apart like loss, they can often be brought together. this is an unspoken truth - one we all come to know as we grow old./lowercase/





	1. a preface.

death is an inevitable factor we must account for in the equation of life. all of us will lose someone to something; and though that may be a very painful realization, it is a truth that must be accepted all the same.

some people take this fact and assert that if it must be true, then nothing really matters at all. because just as the great phoenix rises from the ashes and burns brightly, he must again turn to ashes for the cycle to repeat. one could argue the same for humans - that perhaps our souls are forever being recycled in new bodies at the whims of the gods or of fate itself simply using them as it pleases. while no one man can know the answer in his time on earth, he will still ask all the same.

for one man there is no repetition - humans are for him but soulless beings, controlled by instinctive impulses and horrid thoughts. and he himself is no exception to this, for as he sees it he is the lowest of all. death has taken from him the one he sought to call his own and he believes  he will never find love again. this is our protagonist, someone known simply as **awsten**.


	2. in my dreams.

_they're deeper than the ocean, those eyes which enamor him; leave him breathless. the face is always new, always changing, but one thing remains - and it's those eyes. they peer longingly into his own, and he gets so lost in them that nothing matters. when his vision meets them he can smell the tide roll in, feel the salt cake his skin as he is plunged beneath their ice-y depths. he feels something wrap around his ankle and begin tugging him under the waves, but finds that he can struggle just enough to pull himself up to the surface momentarily again. with each tug he lifts his head up above the waves and gasps for air, before being yanked back below the white caps. the more he fights the more energy he expels, and soon he can no longer reach back up to where the sea breaks. instead he can only watch as the blue turns against him, now pulling the air from his scorched lungs and darkening his vision until all he can see is black._

when his vision returns to him, he finds his eyes fluttering open to reveal soft gray walls. he sucks in sharply, takes in all the air he can - relieved to find it effortlessly enter and leave his body. no longer is he being weighed down into the sea by bricks, but instead he is simply sprawled across his comforter, isolated by the same walls and windows and doors that he had seen a thousand times before. everything he was familiar, consistent, safe, and that's exactly how he liked things to be.

that wasn't to say awsten wasn't spontaneous or fun, because he certainly was. he was loud and boisterous, a natural born entertainer. he couldn't shut his damn mouth if it'd save his life. but for him, everything was about consistency and order. while his words were unfiltered, his actions were routine.

when he pulls himself free from his satin sheets, he slips his feet over the edge of his bed and puts them down on the same spot he does every morning. when he stands up, he first walks over to the window and glances at the world from the same position, with the same half conscious expression written over his face. he takes note of the raindrops accumulating on the glass and watches drops dance down from the heavens to kiss the ground. and when he's done preparing, he turns and makes the same march from his bedroom down the steps to his kitchen to fix himself a bowl of cereal (which does regularly change, he'd sure hate to eat the same cereal every morning).

it's a carefully crafted routine, one which he has mastered over six years of practice. six years of hell in his head, and all he's gotten through the battle is a walking pattern he can't seem to ditch. not that he'd want to, anyways - there was safety in routine. you can't get hurt when you've prepared for disaster like this.

when he's finished his meal, he heads back up in the same steps to shower and toss on some clothes. this is as uneventful as any other day preceding it, but he'd rather have nothing happen than have something go wrong.

before long he's out the door and into his car, where he's greeted by an even heavier onslaught of rain. he hadn't expected so much rain truthfully - the forecast had called for a light sprinkle at best. and yet, as he made his familiar commute, he couldn't help but notice the fat droplets of rain that were now coming down from heaven like canon balls, slapping themselves against the ground in huge puddles.

by the time he reached the building a mere ten minutes later, it was a total downpour out, so he pulled into the closest parking spot to the door and ran inside like he'd never ran before. it must've been a sight really - this dorky looking guy with bright blue hair and a big puffy sweater absolutely booking it so he could get inside so the little old lady in front of him wouldn't shut the door on his face.

from there he jogged right up to the front desk to sign in and see what they needed from him. this wasn't a full time job - awsten was a writer first and foremost. he may not be super well known, but that was his main focus and his main source of income. this, however - this was simply a passion project (and, admittedly, the extra money was nice too). he was a paid volunteer for the community and came to work in the hospital in town whenever he could. it was a nice way to give back to people who didn't have much else. usually he visited the children in the children's ward and read to them or joined them in whatever (he often brought board games or coloring books on those days), but today it seemed that they didn't want him back there. since he'd started doing it a lot more people had joined, and helping out with the kids was a popular choice. because admittedly, it felt a lot better making a sick kid's day over hanging out with some sick old dude, which was a total bummer.

today they had a list of adults with no visitors who'd signed off saying they wouldn't mind a volunteer visit. the list wasn't too long, with only a few people still unattended to, and awsten took note of the room numbers and made his way up to the right floor. he wasn't too hurt over his usual spot being taken, but he was just the slightest bit nervous to meet someone new. as someone who loved to socialize he had no real fear of meeting them, but he couldn't quite help the 'new people jitters' that fluttered about his system and coursed through his veins, filling him with a bit of pep that he might usually find in a cup of coffee.

-

when he exited the elevator he went right and casually strode down the hall, reading the room numbers and various signs as he passed by, occasionally peering down at his paper to see what rooms he could visit on this floor. of course, they couldn't just alphabetize the list or organize by room number for him, the names instead scattered about the page seemingly randomly. the first one that he saw in the hall that matched any on his list was what he decided on, briefly looking over the name before gently knocking on the door.

the patient's name was geoffrey wigington and there was no other information given to him, because they'd either forgotten to include it or he'd asked them not to. he was listed as being 27, only two years awsten's senior, and awsten hoped they could find common grounds on that fact and have a peaceful morning together. he wanted to brighten this guy's day a little, not make him feel miserable, y'know?

he was greeted with the softest "come in", of which he politely obliged, and entered the room with a warm smile graced upon his face.

"hi, are you geoffrey?" he asked, careful to keep his voice from sounding too sugary sweet, he'd hate to come off as patronizing, "i'm awsten, i work with the new hope foundation, i do visits here for those who want them. do you mind me coming by for a bit?"

"i am, thank you for coming by" he said, voice softer than the fur of a kitten. "i don't mind at all, really - this is really nice. i've never done something like this before"

awsten hadn't really looked at the guy at first, but his voice was intriguing. his voice was deep and masculine, but extremely gentle and almost fragile all at once. as he walked over to his bedside he couldn't really help but look him over, though, and he was honestly surprised at what he found.

geoffrey was clearly not in the best shape physically - if the fact that he was an inpatient in a hospital didn't give that away, the few wires poking out from him that fed into various machines made it clear. he had an iv tube inserted in his arm and had tubes through his nose to help with his breathing. and despite the various apparatus accumulated around him, and the dreary rain pouring down outside, he didn't look all that upset about things. in fact, awsten thought he seemed almost...happy. he certainly looked sickly - skin pale and his body clearly tired - but he still looked **alive.** which was a marvel considering what state his body must've been in.

"i can't believe the rain," he said, looking away from awsten to instead focus on the outside world.

"it's horrible, isn't it" awsten noted sourly, "and i was hoping for another sunny autumn day like yesterday"

"awful? i don't think so. i love when it rains like this!" was his immediate response, and awsten was nearly taken aback by it. how could anybody enjoy such dreary weather? then again, geoffrey seemed like a rainy day. he was a rainy day where the sun still peeked through the clouds, shining down almost in spite of the raindrops. at least, awsten thought so.

however, awsten didn't have time to really respond to his comment, because just as he opened his mouth to speak the other turned back and they finally made eye contact. his mocha brown hair suited him well, and awsten even took note of the ring stuck through his nose (hopefully that hadn't caused him any issues), but that wasn't what stopped him dead in his tracks.

it was his eyes.

they were just like the ones he kept dreaming of. those same deep blues, here in the flesh. the same blues which he had drowned in every night for months now. the sight was enough to flush the color from his face and send his stomach down to his feet.

_he's got the ocean eyes._


	3. i've seen you.

it feels as if ice has crawled up his veins and frozen them solid in place. he sits there and he can feel the pull of the tide, hear the calls of the gull in the distance. he can feel the fire inch its way down his throat to his lungs as he's choked of air. he can feel it all as if he's there, even though he knows he isn't.

the eyes flutter open and shut, open and shut. it takes him a moment to remember where he is and what he's doing.

"um...awsten?" the other boy asks meekly, watching the now pale figure before him seemingly drift back to life.

"y-yeah - oh, i'm sorry it's just...i feel like i've seen you before" he can feel the color returning to his face slowly, feel his stomach settle, feel everything start working in order again - but he can't rid that feeling. the strange sensation that was digging into his bones, tearing right down into his core and telling him that something about this was different. one might even call it extraordinary - though he himself would not admit it - instead chasing the thoughts away with new thoughts of rationality and reason.

why would he dream about someone he's never met before? he knew for a fact that the human brain can't make up a new face for dreams; everyone you've ever seen in a dream is someone you've seen at some point in your life. and it's not as if this geoffrey guy was the only person with blue eyes in the world or anything either. sure, they were a vibrant shade, but they were simply bright and nothing else.

and yet, when geoffrey brushes it off with only a shy shrug, he can't seem to shake the feeling.

-

"so, geoffrey" awsten begins, crossing one leg over the other as he sits more comfortably in his chair. the awkwardness from his earlier 'incident' has expired, and his usual charm was coming back stronger than a bull's.

"you can just call me geoff, everyone else does" geoff is quick to harp back with, cutting right into awsten's sentence. despite this, awsten doesn't find it rude at all, what with his overall demeanor and tone. he seemed like a really sweet, down to earth guy. surely in stark contrast to the bright haired, bright eyed awsten sat at his side - who, while still rather kind and charming, was certainly more sassy than sweet.

"alright-y then, geoff" he nods as he corrects himself, leaning back a bit in his seat as he sends a casual smile to the other. "are you from around here?" he wants to start the conversation off casually, because he was sure the guy would like a break from all the medical talk he probably has to deal with every day. especially seeing as he was listed as having no visitors, he wanted to let him talk about something that might actually make him feel a little better, or at the very least get his mind off things for a bit.

geoff only nodded his head faintly at that before responding, "nah, i got transferred here from a hospital in dallas. i'm originally from california though, if you can believe it" and awsten wasn't all too surprised by that response. he wouldn't be surprised if he'd been from around here and the two hadn't met, houston isn't a particularly small town or anything, but he was a bit surprised he hadn't seen him around the hospital before, considering how often he came by. he guessed he was a recent transfer. this also made sense as to why a young, sweet guy like himself had no visitors - his family and friends were probably back in dallas (or california for all he knew).

"that makes a bit of sense, i buy it," he chuckled, bringing a hand up to brush a few bright blue strands of hair back into place. "and i take it you haven't been here that long?"

"only about three days, yeah"

"well, welcome to houston then, geoff!" he found his smile not fading as he spoke, and hoped it wasn't bothering him at all. he didn't want to seem overly giddy or annoying or anything, especially when he didn't even understand **why** he was smiling so much.

"so far it's been pretty nice. the people working here are nicer than the ones back in dallas, that's for sure. it's been kinda lonely though, thank you for stopping by." geoff was definitely a little shy, but he was much more welcoming than some of the other people he'd visited before. he wouldn't mind coming back again the next time he came in, that was for sure.

"hey, it's my pleasure. doing this makes me feel like less of a shithead and we could all use that in our lives, y'know?" he chuckled again, god he felt so stupid right now. "so geoff," he began again, peering over at his side table and spotting a delightful site - a book. he didn't recognize the cover, but just seeing that made his author heart soar. "i take it you like reading?" as he asked, he casually motioned to the plain brown paperback.

geoff seemed puzzled for a moment before glancing over and nodding, "oh, yeah. i wouldn't say i'm super into it, but i like some stuff yeah. i'm a bit picky with my books" he grabbed the book with delicate, trembling hands, before carefully passing it over to awsten to look at. much to his dismay, it was some type of poetry book - awsten wasn't much for the stuff. his interest in poetry started and ended with songwriting (a hobby of his), his actual writing was rather fantastic and whimsical. at least, the stuff that got published and made money was. as it turns out, nobody likes reading sad ramblings about lost love anymore.

"oh, cool. i only ask because i'm a writer myself, so it's cool to me whenever i find someone who likes reading too. i know it's not an obscure interest or anything, but it's still nice to know other people like stuff you do." he looked over the cover a little more and studied the little wave illustrated on the cover before handing it back to geoff.

"that's cool though!" geoff reassured, gently placing the book back at his side before turning to awsten again. "i like to write a little myself, but it's nothing all that serious really. i don't know if i'm good enough to share anything i've made, if i'm being honest"

"well, i'm sure whatever you've got is great. do you have-"

awsten cut himself short as he watched the other boy carefully sit up and reach over for something out of his line of sight. he quickly brought out a small notebook, which aside from being a little tattered and worn looked like any other notebook you might find. geoff set it onto his lap gently, his expression a cocktail of pride and insecurity (which was a combination awsten never realized was possible).

"-do i have any writing with me? i do actually, yeah. when you spend all day laying around, not able to do much else, you kinda have to get creative. i don't know if you'd ever wanna look these over or not, but if you want to i'd be glad to let you borrow them. seeing as you write too, maybe you'd be able to help make them better?" awsten loved seeing the passionate gleam in geoff's eyes; it reminded him of exactly why he liked doing this stuff.

"i'd be glad to, really." awsten obliged, happy to be of help. honestly, despite the peculiarity of their meeting this morning, he was really happy to have come in here today. he wouldn't mind spending the whole day chatting with geoff - it just...felt right. it felt like he knew him before, even though they both had already confirmed that they didn't know each other. it didn't feel like they'd just met.

-

awsten didn't notice that the rain had subsided until geoff pointed it out. it must've been close to noon when the sun first peeked through the clouds, slowly parting them as the downpour faded into little more than a light sprinkling. he wasn't even sure what they were giggling about, but he thought it was so funny that he couldn't let go of it no matter how hard he tried. in the midst of their laughter geoff had turned to look out at the world for a moment, that's when he spotted the sunlight bleeding through the clouds.

"well, luckily for you, it looks like the rain's clearing up." he turned back to awsten with a smile, taking the moment to lean back in his bed. by this point he had been fully sitting up, legs crossed beneath him so he could better face awsten. he had seemed to really perk up for a while, but it was clear now that he was starting to grow a little tired again.

before he could get in another word, both boys were brought back to reality as one of geoff's nurses popped in to tell him they had to do some tests. awsten hadn't bothered trying to ask why geoff was here or anything, because he felt that was invasive. if geoff wanted to talk about it he would be all ears, but otherwise he tried to avoid bringing it up whenever he came to visit anybody. some people coped well by sharing what was going on, while others were more private, and he tried his best to respect either wish. though the nurse told him he could stay, seeing as it'd only take them about 20 minutes, he decided this was his cue to leave. he must've been in there for two or more hours at this point, and he figured he'd be better off not lingering around all day.

once the nurse was gone he bid a quick yet genuine goodbye to geoff and buttoned up his coat, fully ready to head out and get something to eat before heading home for the day. of course, as he turned to leave he was stopped by geoff once more.

"hey awsten?"

awsten turned back and saw the notebook in his hands again, and he almost instinctively reached over and grabbed it from him, giving him a knowing nod.

"thanks, maybe you can look at it tonight so we can talk about it tomorrow?"

awsten typically didn't visit the same people for days on end, instead going wherever he was needed and helping out when he was available. he hadn't even thought about it, but as soon as the words were out of geoff's mouth he knew he'd have to come back again tomorrow and see him. he didn't know if geoff did it on purpose or not, but he had some killer puppy dog eyes, and awsten couldn't really turn down such an innocent offer.

"yeah! i'll look through as much as i can." he offered, a genuine grin creeping up onto his face as blood flushed to his cheeks and turned them a soft pink. with that, he waved to geoff and headed on his way, walking back the same way he'd come in and quickly trekking to his car in the parking lot.

when he got there, he didn't immediately pull out and go back down his usual route. instead, he simply sat there for a moment, basking in the sunlight that reached through his windshield. he listened as the birds in the trees stitched together beautiful hymns for him, and watched as the sunlight made the still soaked trees and grass glisten in the bright golden light. something about today has just been really special. talking to geoff was incredibly refreshing for him, yet familiar in a way all the same. he made no real sense when logic was applied to it, but he tried his best to ignore how much that bothered him. for once, he was just going to enjoy something with no questions attached.

he placed geoff's notebook in the passenger seat and started his car, driving in silence and reflecting on everything he had just been a part of. and for the first time in a long time, he didn't feel all that guilty about any of it.


End file.
